A Mother's Fear

baby feet

Pregnancy, the start of a new life. That in itself is an amazing concept. Being pregnant feels incredible to me for many reasons. Besides the whole starting a life part, the best sensation for me is feeling my baby move. It represents a new innocent love you get to hold and cherish in a few short months. It's an addition to a family. It's memories waiting to be made. It's pure joy.

Sure it's uncomfortable and you can barely walk up a flight of stairs before getting winded, but it's when I actually lay on the sofa at the end of the day and look at my belly. I tune into my baby's movements. Is she kicking amniotic bubbles around, exploring the contours of her face, sucking her thumb? I'm just grateful I feel her.

Not too long ago I was expecting a baby. Everything was going beautifully. Doctors visits were normal, nursery was set up, and baby clothes were a plenty. After finishing cleaning up after dinner one night, I felt nothing. This was unusual since baby was a mover and a shaker.  Minutes felt like hours and still nothing. 

Pregnancy, the start of a new life.

I told my husband. I Googled ways to make your baby move. Lay on your left side. Drink something with sugar so he kicks, try putting your vibrating phone on your belly so your baby will respond. Nothing. 

This is normal, maybe baby is just sleeping. You see, I have two toddlers and the further you are in pregnancy, the more of a schedule they're on. Plus there's less space to wiggle. I was two days shy of my scheduled c-section with no history of pregnancy complications. Maybe baby was taking a nap? 

I went to the doctor, no fetal heartbeat detected. I went to the hospital, and after hours of waiting, the ultrasound confirmed baby was gone. It was found his cord was tied too tightly around his neck. 

The movement that I loved, and gave me confidence of holding my baby soon was gone,  and so was my baby.

Fortunately we were able to conceive again and I now feel that wonderful movement. Only this time the blessings are filled with what ifs. I try to stay in the positive and imagine everything is ok. In the end, we never really know.  

I choose to bask in this baby's movement and enjoy the gentle kicking, elbowing, hiccuping and all other magical things going on inside. Where I was once an avid planner, I've learn to live more in the now and enjoy each moment.  I've learned to cherish my family more and take things slower. Sure I get frustrated with life's daily irritations, but life is so fragile. Sit back, enjoy, and take it all in.


Wife, Mother of 2, Angel Baby, and Baby on the Way